10 reasons why Michael Bays Pathetic Adaption of Transformers is, well... Pathetic.

It's that time again folks.  I talk transformers, quite Geekily.

What they should look like.

You may have noticed that the new Bayformers film was recently released (sorry this comes late, I refuse to sit in the cinema with a bunch of noisy T**Ts),  The films are terrible, a mockery of the G1 (Generation 1) series loved by many over the world. (OK, the first one as a film was alright but still all wrong).  I could of gone on all day about how rubbish these films are but heres the top ten points, in no particular order.  This may contain spoilers for all 3 films so when one is due I will mark with a (*), I will try and stay spoiler free as much as possible.  Anyway, Begin.  These are in no particular order.




- No Cybertron

Planet Cybertron from the G1 Series

Cybertron, for those not in the know is the home planet of the transformers (*) and in the first film when it was announced that it was in a wreck was disheartening. (*)  Michael Bay being his usual lazy self and not taking it to Cybertron, it would of made a much more interesting backdrop and there wouldn't of been as much human involvement which is not what the films are about, right?


Anyone who has played War for Cybertron would know one of the best thing about that game is that it takes place on Cybertron and there are NO humans at all.


- Bad Comedy


The Jokes are that bad sometimes they are good, Shia LeBouf is OK in the first film.  But in the second film it wears off, fast and he's just an idiot, and the parents (oh god the parents) are just ridiculous another two characters NOT needed in these films.


- The Transformers are Idiots


The main transformers (Optimus Prime, Iron Hide, Megatron etc.) are reasonable but the stupid ones like Skids and Mudflap in Revenge of the Fallen and the Little ones in Revenge of the Fallen and the other one is introduced in Dark of the Moon, I'm pretty sure one of them is supposed to be Wheelie and LasorBeak of the decepticons who by the way DOES NOT TALK!! these are the transformers that really wind me up.  They are apparently a comedy factor (not so much LasorBeak) (*) and the fact that the robots are perverts is a bit wrong. 

Wheelie in Revenge of the Fallen

They don't talk like robots as well they talk with an accent Australian and a southern USA accent is another mockery.


- Megan Fox / Rosie Huntington-Whitley


I'll admit I don't mind looking at these two as they are both attractive women.  However they are nothing more than eyecandy in these 3 films.

Megan Fox (Left) and Rosie Huntington-Whitley (Right)

Fox is more of an eye candy piece that Whitley simply because Whitley's character (*) is more involved in the plot of the movie being kidnapped and everything whereas Fox is just 'Oh come with me quick!' and thats that (*) a complete waste of time.  Both of them cannot act.


- All Explosion (Suprise Suprise) No Plot


Say what you want about Transformers, it deserves more than just BANG, BLAST and BOOM!!


The All Spark is the worst name for anything I have ever heard of.  I think that the fact he's making a propaganda American Film (especially the third one) about a Japanese toy is absolutley ridiculous and he should probably stop making films all together, you'll understand what I mean when you see it.


The beef thats between the two sides of robots is epic amongst themselves someone with a bit more of a nerdy aspect to them might of pulled it off, however Bay just went I know explosions!! and your away as South Park so crudely put it.

- Too much about Humans, Not Much About The Transformers

Shia LeBeouf as Sam Witwicky

Another massive problem as to why these films are garbage is the fact that the plot too much based around how awesome America is (*) ranging from putting a camera on Mars in the first film all the way to Sentinel Prime crashing on the moon in the third one and the fact that The Transformers made the Pyramids and caused the disaster at Chernobyl. (*)

Epps (left) and Lennox (right)

The Human Alliance (the group of soldiers that team up with the autobots) is a waste of time the Autobots should be in a crashed ship in a mountain in the middle of nowhere under no surveillance of any humans at all.  I understand that the difficulty in keeping the Autobots a secret from the government is probably impossible but you forget that there giant transforming robots.


- Transformer Redesigns


This is arguably my biggest problem with these films, the transformers look like badly put together kitchen utensils as opposed to indestructible robots from another planet.  I know this is only a small point but its a point nonetheless, Optimus Primes mouth guard in These films really annoys me, it should be constantly closed.    

A few Selected G1 Transformers

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Poster feat. Optimus, Bumblebee and Sam and Mikeala

Can you see the difference in the two pictures (above). When the test footage was released (below) I was extremely excited, when I saw the first trailer I was heartbroken the only Transformer I could recognise from childhood was the Mighty Optimus Prime (barely) and I sort of gathered the yellow car was Bumblebee everything else was a mess.  Because the robots look like kitchen utensils one Major problem with these films is in the action sequence it is a massive headache to figure out which robot is which robot.

- Where are the Dinobots? Unicron? etc.


"They've never been discussed (for inclusion)" Stated Bay "I don't like them. Actually, I hate them."

Dinobots from the G1 series

This is an actual quote Bay gave when he was asked about the Dinobots, which is pretty comical coming from a man who has changed it so much its balancing on a fine line of unforgivable status.  He puts WheelJack in the third film (FINALLY!!) and he ruins him, makes him look a little bit like Albert Einstein and giving him a name like Que, he's named after Q in James Bond because he's the Autobots sort of Scientist/Weapons Expert.

Que (WheelJack) in Dark of the Moon. For Those who don't know what WheelJack looks like he's 4 images up an the Autobot on the far right.

It is quite clear that Unicron needed to be in these films, but that would of cost quite a bit of cash to do, ya know something Bay doesn't like to do.  He's at least 100 times bigger than Optimus Prime and quite frankly just a beast.  He eats planets for godsake!

Unicron in planet mode from Transformers: The Movie

Aswell as these there are countless others that are ruined or just quite simply not in the Bay adaptions.  Mind you, if he did include them he probably would of ruined them.


- After the First Film Megatron feels like an Afterthought as Opposed to the Daddy he is


Bar Unicron and the odd Beast in the transformers Universe.  Megatron is the absolute baddest of the bad of the Decepticons, this is fact.  Then why after the first one did he introduce the fallen (a character which a lot of people had never heard of or cared about) and in the third one introduced Shockwave who was the sort of WheelJack type character of the Decepticons and (*) made Sentinel Prime defect a plot-line which was both bizarre and stupid, he's a 'prime' for god-sake! 


Anyway the main point of this is pretty simple, Megatron is badass plain and simple. 


-  Just get the Feeling that Michael Bay Just Doesn't Care


It's irrelevant whether or not it makes sense when watching these films you get the feeling that Bay doesn't care whether or not it makes sense or not, he will put in that extra 30 seconds of explosions just because he wants to.  There is only reference to G1 in the third film when (*) Megatron sits on the Lincoln memorial chair and when they try and bring Cybertron to Earth.(*)  


He will put in that stupid unfunny joke and give the robots that stupid slack-jawed accent and make them extremely idiotic even though they are supposed to be an intelligent extra terrestrial from outter space. 




In conclusion we either need a Reboot or we must never EVER speak of these films again, I imagine we need another director.  Someone who is more of a Geek or someone who actually cares about what they're doing instead of chucking aload of money at explosions.  Maybe somebody like Matthew Vaughan or Neil Blomkamp, if there are reboots Michael Bay can be involved but he can have absolutely no say whatsoever in what goes on.   


The plot needs to be better aswell so one of the original writers would be a welcome asset.  And the designs of the robots must be both recognisable and well.. Better.   And Peter Cullen HAS to be Optimus Prime.


You could say I'm being to hardcore G1 fan about all this, but I kind of liked the War for Cybertron (was above average) and Transformers Armada wasn't as bad a Bayformers.  Even Transformers: Prime had it's moments.


Well thats it folks, thanks for reading


WJ